Overdevelopment

Underdevelopment is not a good thing, but there is such a thing as overdevelopement too. Perhaps no one has coined the term yet, perhaps it is my idea, and thus I have to write it down and argue it through.
Overdevelopment
evidence/symptoms:
-rural to urban balance, more than 50% of the population now lives in urban setting for the first time in history.
-Environmental strain
-overpopulation
-overproduction of commodities and the subsequent exploitation of developing countries
-Waste

Context Doesn't matter, truth matters.

Mystery vs. Knowledge, a fight to the death

Mystery fills me with a youthful giddiness, imagination and comfort. Knowledge makes me feel small, stupid and insignificant. The more I know the less I understand. The more I wonder the slower time passes. Wonder makes that which I don't know seem insignificant. Mystery in enduring, knowledge is challenged. Mystery is linked to faith, knowledge to reason. Mystery is not taught or learned, knowledge has a place in the economy.
My heart hurts, as does my mind. Neither knowledge nor mystery can cure either pain. 

Blessed are the poor of spirit

I want to tell Chaman Lal's story. To me, he epitomizes being poor but rich of spirit and blessed. I wanted to tell his story today, but my body chokes my voice back in fear.
God please help me to understand why I hurt inside. Is it because of my sins? Is it the battle between good and evil waging inside of me? What can I do to help good win quickly? Will these battles end the war? Will I someday live in bliss once love prevails?
I have failed, time and time again. I have tried new things, and I have made the wrong choices. I burn from those choices. I burn in the atoms in my flesh. Can I run this pain out? I must be persistent, I must persevere. I know it gets better but why why god why do I face this burning emptiness time and time again? This is hell on earth, can I escape it by following Jesus? Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus please come into me and fill me up with the holy spirit instead of this satanic sandpaper lava.
Do I turn to God because I am weak and have no one else, or do I turn to God because I know God is the answer and the Truth. How do I live in this world with God in me? How do I let God into me when I am so often clenched with fear.
It will take hard work. It will be hard to transform, and that is what I am doing, I am sure of it. I am in the process of transformation, but my body, my past fights against it, fights to hold on to the familiar, to retain the status quo, clinging to what I know and fighting against facing the unknown. But I know that I have to let go completely. Will I walk through insanity? Will I remain insane? Does it matter?

Scared

I have so much fear pent up inside of me. It is a sign that I am living wrong. I need to find work so I can stop being gripped by fear in the middle of the night. I need to force myself out of bed in the morning so I can fall asleep at night. I am so afraid but I don't know what I am afraid of. Its strange that I can't hold on to my fearless state.
I am often completely fearless. It is an amazing state to be in; courageous without effort, energized, happy and wholly faithful. The problem is I can't figure out how to live in that state permanently. I don't even know how to strike the match, to prompt the fearlessness, to bring it on, bring it about, step into the Superhero suit.
I once lived what I can only say was a revelation. I was practicing Yoga, and slipped into something of a light-filled trance. The Christians would articulate it as being filled by the Holy Spirit. That is exactly what it was, in one tradition of putting it. While this lightness was dancing through my body, allowing me to move in poses and postures with absolute ease and grace, I understood some fundamental truths of existence. That is a large claim coming from me, one anonymous, simple person. It would be a large claim coming from the Pope, but, with the limited words at my disposal, it is the only claim I can make with honesty. During this, for lack of a better term, blissful trance, it was revealed to me that good and evil do exist. Evil is not to be underestimated, but also not to be feared because love is more powerful than evil. It was revealed to me that Love is the most powerful force in the cosmos, and as long as you have Love, you win. No evil can beat you, nothing can destroy you, so there is nothing to fear. I know this, I know it, but for some reason it is not enough to know. The fear still creeps into my chest and grips me in the middle of the night.
I am taking on too much in my life right now. I am beginning to realize this with the advent of my semester. I thought I could survive by my old methods from student-hood. I can't. Its a shame that the moment you master a lifestyle is followed by the moment you have to give it up. Perhaps the moment before my death will be the moment I have mastered how to live. Perhaps that is what the film "Black Swan" is all about. Must one lose one's mind to attain perfection in this imperfect world?
I am taking three online classes to get to my financial aid package. I began by taking 4, but I only want to take two of them. I thought I might be able to drop one course and get the money back, but it turns out that once an online class is dropped, the financial aid package restructures itself.  I now owe $5---
I thought I owed $587 dollars just a few moments ago. In these past few moments it seems that $587.50 is being transferred from MSU to MSUFCU as a refund to me. Just like that, in ten minutes of internet processing. I should be elated and relieved, but I feel troubled. I do not understand how the Office of Financial Aid functions, and I am surprised how well it has worked for me so far. I am nervous to press my luck and drop the second unwanted class. I can not afford to unbalance this morally questionable equation. I know I can handle 2 classes and 3 is too many, but to drop the third class would risk toppling the financial aid situation I have built. I am living in a house of cards. Maybe we all are, at all times, so I should stop worrying so much and consider myself lucky.
I still need a job, though.

Creative Outlet

I think it is as important for people to have regular creative outlets as it is to have regular bowel movements. Even if the only thing that comes out is shit. Sweet steamy and satisfying.

Introduction without a cause

In college I had fun with my International Relations technical papers by titling sections after song lyrics. If I had a paper about nuclear proliferation, the third argument may be headed "Hit me With Your Best Shot." I am not in college anymore, but I learned to fill my gaps in wit with lines made famous by people far greater than myself.  Some once said "Steal, but only from the best." What does it say about me that I steal from Incubus? I title my first ever blog after their 1999 album as a guidepost.
I am 25 years old and I don't yet know who I am. I am too old to go on much further not knowing. It stifles success. This blog is my attempt to help myself make myself. Besides, if you don't exist online, these days, you are only half alive.
My cousin had mentioned that I am living an interesting narrative of my time, and that I should write it down. Thanks Tim, I needed that encouragement. I would like to believe that my story could capture the story of my nation, my generation, or my rapidly evolving world, but I know that this writing is just selfish self-inquiry and practice at becoming... better.